the divinity and expansiveness of my stardust soul.
It no longer has to be a question- Any of it.
My love. The way I love. My past, what has occurred in my life that brought me to where I am in this now. My brain works differently because of trauma I endured. And because of that, I made the choice to spend a lil extra time with my brain- learning it, being curious, trying my best to not be fearful and just feel the fullness of it.
We shake. We shake when we need to release. The way your body shakes when you are experiencing grief- the way that sobbing-whenit originates deep from within the innermost of your being, wracks your body, leaves the vibration of grief, of sobbing, of despair- resonating in your body. There is still the vibration, the shaking of your limbs, into the concentric core of you.
There’s shaking in orgasm. Your body, releasing.From a state of bliss.
You will shake in this life. That is a bet you can place comfortably, confidently. Stridently.
Do you want to release more from a state of joy, or a state of grief?
There are times when you won’t necessarily have a choice- or the choice seems too large of a leap for your battered, barely beating heart. And that’s ok. There will be other times when the choice not only seems obvious- also accessible, within easy reach of your outstretched palm.
I am learning that Tantra isn’t delaying happiness, or delaying the blissful outcome. You are simply
Staying open.
There is no edge from which you came, nor some threshold in which to fall forward into. There is simply the present now, in all of it’s ecstatic yearning and free-floating shapeshifting beauty. Perched simply, on the precipice.
Being someone who experienced sensation as something super scary at a young age- my brain makes the connection that feeling is something to be feared- feeling anything was (and is) terrifying. It doesn’t matter if the sensation is good- I don’t trust what is good versus bad. When something that is pleasurable comes from a source of terror, you no longer know what to trust into. Your internal compass rose spins madly around, as if possessed by a schizophrenic boat captain, made of metal and confusion.
I’ve understood for some time that happiness and sadness are resourced from the same well of feeling- the depth of our pain can often indicate the potential of the expansiveness of our joy. And the inverse is true, of course- Our grand happiness can be a clear channel for a similar peak of sadness.
Yes, it is all just sensation… And while you don’t have to wallow in the sadness, it is ok to feel it.
And while you don’t have to go around on full wattage of shine, it’s ok (more than ok) to revel in the bliss.
I have been so worried about getting stuck in the swells of The Stories of Trauma Past, that I haven’t even given myself enough spaciousness around all of it to let myself just feel. Because if I let myself feel it- would I make it back out? Could I trust my depression-grooved brain and sad sack of a heart to make that little track-jump up a notch to a new brain groove of happiness and joy? Would I be able to claw my way out of the lowest of lows?
It no longer has to be a question. I just know it to be true.
I trust in the divinity and expansiveness of my stardust soul.
I trust in the resiliency and grace of my humanness.
I trust in the courage and vulnerability of my beating heart.
I trust in the steadfastness of my breath.
I trust in the rootedness of my feet.
I trust in the cosmic swirl of my crown.
I trust this within myself.
And because i am you and you are me, I trust this within you, too.
Perched on the precipice of openness, the conflicted ecstasy of the present moment.
Santa Cruz Pier, Winter 2016.
